This is a post I wrote back in 2006, but never actually posted. I was just looking through old files and found it. I always joke about how we should be eating raw blocks of tofu while walking down the street, and that’s a reference to this horrible, horrible episode. Vegans are almost always portrayed badly on tv, since there’s apparently no reason to include them unless the episode is about them wanting meat, unfortunately. So here’s a partial transcript of the episode, with a few of my comments.
For anyone not familiar with this show, it is NOT a reality cooking show, it’s a fictional comedy.
From “Kitchen Confidential” – episode “Rabbit Test.” There are a few storylines going at once, so here’s a partial summary (with spoilers) of the “vegan” stuff.
Vegan woman will be known simply as “vegan,” with quotes implied at all times.
“Chef” is the main character, the head chef.
“Cook” is any of the other guys from the kitchen.
“Woman chef” is the other head chef who just arrived, she knew Chef from culinary school.
Owner’s daughter comes into the kitchen and says, “Heads up guys, we’ve got a level 5 celery sucker out there.” All the cooks groan.
“A chef’s mortal enemy.”
“No meat no fish no fowl no fun, ever.”
Chef: “They don’t even eat eggs! Which means that they’re weak, and they can be frightened off with a large spoon.”
“Why wouldn’t someone want to eat meat?”
CUT TO vegan bitching to chef about how it’s poison, and murder, etc. She always speaks in a pissed off voice.
[Vegan Stereotype #1: Vegans are whiny people who won’t shut up about how meat is murder, and talk about it everywhere they go, to everyone.] Why would we go to restaurants just to complain?
Waitress sets butter on the table.
Vegan (offended): “Could you take this butter away?!”
“Yes, I’ll be sure to give it a decent burial.”
Vegan (to chef): “Look, I’m serious about this.”
Chef: “So I’m evil? I’m evil because I eat meat.”
Vegan: “Yes, I would say that.”
AT A BAR – chef tells other cooks how he was impressed the vegan had such strong convictions.
Cook: “Bottom line, vegans are scum, and dead animals are DELICIOUS.”
Vegan takes a picture of herself in the bath holding a “TRUCE?” sign, and sends it to Chef’s phone.
Chef (distracted): “Yeah…screw the vegans”
CUT TO chef rolling off of vegan in bed.
Meanwhile, the rabbits the chef had ordered for that day’s special just arrived. They are cute white rabbits, still alive in a cage.
Conversation about how chef is “selling out” because he’s sleeping with a vegan. Also, he doesn’t want to kill the bunnies, and he took the crab out of the crab salad.
Chef: “I’m not selling out! I’ve cooked thousands of animals far cuter than that. Now where’s my rabbit-stabbing knife?”
Scene with bunny on the table, with chef trying to kill it, but can’t.
Other cook now tries to kill it, but also can’t. He starts crying because it reminds him of a hamster he used to have.
Another cook tries to, but fakes a seizure instead.
Fourth cook also can’t.
(walking down the street together, eating BLOCKS of tofu)
Vegan: “So, who was wrong about tofu?”
Chef: “The guy who invented tofu.” (spits it out)
[Vegan Stereotype #2: Vegans only eat salad and tofu. We absolutely love eating raw blocks of plain tofu. Hell, I have some in my pocket right now!] Not a very good chef if he doesn’t even know how to cook tofu.
One of the cooks steals the rabbits and takes them home (with the female greeter, he likes her).
(just bought a meat pizza)
Chef: “Now, this is what I’m talking about.”
Vegan: “Why do you have to do that?”
Chef: “Because if we’re going back to your apartment I need energy.”
Vegan: “See now you have sausage breath.”
Chef: “Come on, it’s not that bad. Come here.” (wants to kiss her)
Vegan: “No, it’s DISGUSTING!”
Chef: “Kiss me. What’s gonna happen?”
(they kiss) She licks her lips.
CUT TO apartment, they bust through the door, he’s feeding her pizza.
Vegan: “Oh my god!”
Chef: “You like that, don’t you?”
Vegan: “It’s SO GOOD!”
Chef: “Eat it. You love it. You love a sausage.”
Vegan: “I do. I do love a sausage!”
Chef: “Do you want some more little girl?”
Vegan: “Oh I want some more!”
Chef: “Wait wait wait, what about the rainforests?”
(she pushes him down, and grabs pizza with both hands, shoving it in her mouth)
[Vegan Stereotype #3: Vegans desperately WANT to eat meat, and will instantly give up their principles from one taste of meat.] Um, very few people were born vegans. We know what meat tastes like.
IN KITCHEN chef says he was out to lunch with vegan, but she’s not vegan anymore.
“You turned her?”
Chef: “Was there ever any doubt?”
“All hail the vegan slayer!”
They can’t find the rabbits, and know it was the greeter who took them. The guys act like they’re mad, but they obviously didn’t want to (and couldn’t) kill them, so they’re actually relieved.
(later) Greeter brings back the bunnies, and woman chef takes them.
Chef goes to vegan’s apartment, she’s throwing up in the bathroom.
Vegan: “It’s the meat! You’ve poisoned my body!”
Chef: “I feel terrible about this, I had no idea a little bit of sausage would…” (looks in toilet) “Is that bacon? I didn’t feed you bacon.”
Vegan: “No, but you fed me the sausage!” (crying) “Which led to the salami, which led to the bacon!”
Chef: “There’s salami?”
Vegan: “Yes and it’s your fault!”
Chef: “How’s that my fault?”
Vegan: “Because you’re the devil!”
KITCHEN – He tells woman chef that he broke up with vegan.
Woman chef: “Well good. I mean she abandons her principles, and then blames you? That’s not the kind of woman you need to be with.”
Chef: “Oh really? What kind of woman do I need to be with?”
Cook: “We need the rabbit special!”
Chef: “We don’t have the rabbit special.”
Woman Chef: “Sure we do!” (opens oven)
Chef: “Did you just…?”
Woman Chef: “It’s no big deal. I just picked them up” (picks up celery sticks) “and I said ‘nice rabbit, sweet rabbit…’ and then” (breaks celery sticks in half, and smiles)
Jim, one of the cooks, is shocked. (he had a crush on her throughout the episode and got “excited” whenever he was near her)
Woman Chef: “Problem, Jim?”
Jim: “Not anymore.” (walks away, angry) [this was the only good part of the episode, aside from the guys not wanting to kill the rabbits]
Chef: (looks at woman chef, amazed) “You’re incredible.”
Woman Chef: “Well, sometimes you’ve gotta stop pussyfooting around and just do what you’ve gotta do.”
(they smile at each other)
Chef voice over: “The truth is, most of us are barely even aware that there’s a connection between the animal, and the meat on our plate. It’s comforting to pretend that nothing had to die to sate our appetites. But it’s also a lie. And you have to admire someone who has the courage to look that part of themselves in the eye and not flinch. I know I do.”
CUT TO chef and woman chef in bed together. Song “There she goes” plays.
[WTF? Now bunny-killing is SEXY?]
The final, extremely confusing shot, shows them naked on the bed making out, and the camera pans down to show a cage of bunnies under the bed. […WHAT?]