The President’s handwriting was sloppy on the treaty, so he resigned.

Hand me that sakazuki, for Christ’s sake!

The tailoring on my new shirt was terrible, so I stuffed it in the sewer.

Wait, so, uh…should we cross? Everyone is shopping on this side.

I found this at the local dollar store. Boooo.

For anyone not familiar with this show, it is NOT a reality cooking show, it’s a fictional comedy.

—————————————

From “Kitchen Confidential” – episode “Rabbit Test.” There are a few storylines going at once, so here’s a partial summary (with spoilers) of the “vegan” stuff.

Vegan woman will be known simply as “vegan,” with quotes implied at all times.
“Chef” is the main character, the head chef.
“Cook” is any of the other guys from the kitchen.
“Woman chef” is the other head chef who just arrived, she knew Chef from culinary school.

Owner’s daughter comes into the kitchen and says, “Heads up guys, we’ve got a level 5 celery sucker out there.” All the cooks groan.
“What’s that?”
“A chef’s mortal enemy.”
“A vegan.”
“No meat no fish no fowl no fun, ever.”
Chef: “They don’t even eat eggs! Which means that they’re weak, and they can be frightened off with a large spoon.”
“Why wouldn’t someone want to eat meat?”
CUT TO vegan bitching to chef about how it’s poison, and murder, etc. She always speaks in a pissed off voice.

[Vegan Stereotype #1: Vegans are whiny people who won't shut up about how meat is murder, and talk about it everywhere they go, to everyone.] Why would we go to restaurants just to complain?

Waitress sets butter on the table.
Vegan (offended): “Could you take this butter away?!”
“Yes, I’ll be sure to give it a decent burial.”
Vegan (to chef): “Look, I’m serious about this.”

Chef: “So I’m evil? I’m evil because I eat meat.”
Vegan: “Yes, I would say that.”

AT A BAR – chef tells other cooks how he was impressed the vegan had such strong convictions.

[etc]

Cook: “Bottom line, vegans are scum, and dead animals are DELICIOUS.”
Vegan takes a picture of herself in the bath holding a “TRUCE?” sign, and sends it to Chef’s phone.
Chef (distracted): “Yeah…screw the vegans”
CUT TO chef rolling off of vegan in bed.

Meanwhile, the rabbits the chef had ordered for that day’s special just arrived. They are cute white rabbits, still alive in a cage.

Conversation about how chef is “selling out” because he’s sleeping with a vegan. Also, he doesn’t want to kill the bunnies, and he took the crab out of the crab salad.

Chef: “I’m not selling out! I’ve cooked thousands of animals far cuter than that. Now where’s my rabbit-stabbing knife?”

Scene with bunny on the table, with chef trying to kill it, but can’t.

Other cook now tries to kill it, but also can’t. He starts crying because it reminds him of a hamster he used to have.

Another cook tries to, but fakes a seizure instead.

Fourth cook also can’t.

(walking down the street together, eating BLOCKS of tofu)
Vegan: “So, who was wrong about tofu?”
Chef: “The guy who invented tofu.” (spits it out)

[Vegan Stereotype #2: Vegans only eat salad and tofu. We absolutely love eating raw blocks of plain tofu. Hell, I have some in my pocket right now!] Not a very good chef if he doesn’t even know how to cook tofu.

One of the cooks steals the rabbits and takes them home (with the female greeter, he likes her).

(just bought a meat pizza)
Chef: “Now, this is what I’m talking about.”
Vegan: “Why do you have to do that?”
Chef: “Because if we’re going back to your apartment I need energy.”
Vegan: “See now you have sausage breath.”
Chef: “Come on, it’s not that bad. Come here.” (wants to kiss her)
Vegan: “No, it’s DISGUSTING!”
Chef: “Kiss me. What’s gonna happen?”
(they kiss) She licks her lips.

CUT TO apartment, they bust through the door, he’s feeding her pizza.
Vegan: “Oh my god!”
Chef: “You like that, don’t you?”
Vegan: “It’s SO GOOD!”
Chef: “Eat it. You love it. You love a sausage.”
Vegan: “I do. I do love a sausage!”

Chef: “Do you want some more little girl?”
Vegan: “Oh I want some more!”
Chef: “Wait wait wait, what about the rainforests?”
(she pushes him down, and grabs pizza with both hands, shoving it in her mouth)

[Vegan Stereotype #3: Vegans desperately WANT to eat meat, and will instantly give up their principles from one taste of meat.] Um, very few people were born vegans. We know what meat tastes like.

IN KITCHEN chef says he was out to lunch with vegan, but she’s not vegan anymore.
“You turned her?”
Chef: “Was there ever any doubt?”
“All hail the vegan slayer!”
(they cheer)

They can’t find the rabbits, and know it was the greeter who took them. The guys act like they’re mad, but they obviously didn’t want to (and couldn’t) kill them, so they’re actually relieved.

(later) Greeter brings back the bunnies, and woman chef takes them.

Chef goes to vegan’s apartment, she’s throwing up in the bathroom.
Vegan: “It’s the meat! You’ve poisoned my body!”
Chef: “I feel terrible about this, I had no idea a little bit of sausage would…” (looks in toilet) “Is that bacon? I didn’t feed you bacon.”
Vegan: “No, but you fed me the sausage!” (crying) “Which led to the salami, which led to the bacon!”
Chef: “There’s salami?”
Vegan: “Yes and it’s your fault!”
Chef: “How’s that my fault?”
Vegan: “Because you’re the devil!”

KITCHEN – He tells woman chef that he broke up with vegan.

Woman chef: “Well good. I mean she abandons her principles, and then blames you? That’s not the kind of woman you need to be with.”
Chef: “Oh really? What kind of woman do I need to be with?”

Cook: “We need the rabbit special!”
Chef: “We don’t have the rabbit special.”
Woman Chef: “Sure we do!” (opens oven)
Chef: “Did you just…?”
Woman Chef: “It’s no big deal. I just picked them up” (picks up celery sticks) “and I said ‘nice rabbit, sweet rabbit…’ and then” (breaks celery sticks in half, and smiles)

Jim, one of the cooks, is shocked. (he had a crush on her throughout the episode and got “excited” whenever he was near her)
Woman Chef: “Problem, Jim?”
Jim: “Not anymore.” (walks away, angry) [this was the only good part of the episode, aside from the guys not wanting to kill the rabbits]

Chef: (looks at woman chef, amazed) “You’re incredible.”

Woman Chef: “Well, sometimes you’ve gotta stop pussyfooting around and just do what you’ve gotta do.”
(they smile at each other)

Chef voice over: “The truth is, most of us are barely even aware that there’s a connection between the animal, and the meat on our plate. It’s comforting to pretend that nothing had to die to sate our appetites. But it’s also a lie. And you have to admire someone who has the courage to look that part of themselves in the eye and not flinch. I know I do.”

CUT TO chef and woman chef in bed together. Song “There she goes” plays.

[WTF? Now bunny-killing is SEXY?]

The final, extremely confusing shot, shows them naked on the bed making out, and the camera pans down to show a cage of bunnies under the bed. [...WHAT?]

If you can’t tell, that’s a badly photocopied piece of paper wrapped up in Scotch tape. Seventy. Dollars. He told me they’re worth $100 though, so I got a good deal, right? Let me start at the beginning.

The Lakeshore Theater (LT) has a whole bunch of comedians and musicians perform, and the tickets can be anywhere from $10 to $40 per show. They have what’s called a Flexpass, which is six tickets for $100. It never expires, but you can only get two tickets per show, and it’s invalid for some shows. Obviously if you’re going to $10 or $15 shows it’s not worth it (you pay $16.67), but the guy on craigslist, Ben, was selling his unused pass for $70 ($11.67 per ticket), and most of the comedians I want to see are $20 anyway.

After emailing back and forth, and talking on the phone a bunch of times throughout the week, he said he’d stop by and make the exchange. However, there was a problem. I called LT and they said flexpasses are under the buyer’s name, so no one else can use them. I called Ben back and he said he thought they’d let us switch the name over, which he did after we got off the phone. Finally he arrived to sell it to me, and handed me the flexpass, as seen above (it does have a 3-digit number on it, however). You can imagine what I thought when I saw it. Ben was very nice and always seemed genuine, and if it had been a scam it would have been an awful lot of trouble for not much money.

He laughed about how crappy the card looked, and said I could call them to verify it. Ben read the LT phone number to me from his phone, but luckily I had their number on my phone already — a different number than what he read to me (box office vs. admin phone). I called the number I had, and they put me on hold and forgot about me. Ben said he always called the other number, and dialed it on his phone while we were waiting. He got through right away. This was a problem, because it was possible he was simply calling a friend of his pretending to be LT. I had already hung up and called them back again, and luckily got through as Ben was trying to hand me his phone. The woman verified Ben’s name, and my name, and I asked if this crappy piece of paper truly was what they were selling for $100…although I think I said it a little more tactfully than that. She laughed and said yes, but they have a record at the LT so I didn’t really even need the card if I remembered the number on it.

Fast forward back to the present, and I just saw Cinematic Titanic last night using the flexpass, and it was hilarious and everything I expected it to be. The movie they were riffing was Danger on Tiki Island, and the tickets sell for $40 each without a flexpass! Dave (Gruber) Allen opened the show, doing some standup and reading a list of sponsors, and then mocking them. He was hilarious. If he were performing by himself, I’d go in a heartbeat.

So I guess the moral is, sometimes, even the shadiest looking deals are real.

I wish I could hang out with them all the time.

So I gave up on walking around and instead stood on the corner and yo-yoed. Some people watched, and over the next ten minutes these things happened:

1. A black guy around my age asked if it was a Duncan, and I said no, it’s a YoYoJam. “YoYoJam! No way!” he exclaimed, saying they were great. I wasn’t sure if he was serious, or putting me on. He started telling me about how Duncans weren’t very good because they get knots a lot quicker. I told him I “didn’t think that was true.” He went on a rant about Yo-Yo Balls, and something about doing tricks with them. I told him they really weren’t made for tricks, and he walked away never to return. He seemed genuine.
2. A girl walked up and took my picture, and when I looked up she ran away. It was a terrible picture too, I had just messed up a trick. I wanted to tell her to take another, but she was gone.
3. An almost-skinhead guy walked up to me, inches from my face, and stared angrily at me. “What’s up?” I asked. He pointed devil horns at me with his left hand, nodded, and then walked away. It made exactly as much sense as you think it did. We had nothing in common that I could tell.

Weird day.

* There were some cool shirts in other booths, and I’m sure it was fun for most people. This post really isn’t about the Fest itself.

…but we make it:

The next problem is actually getting it up into our second floor apartment. We try carrying it up the back stairs, but it’s too big to fit. We have to use some other method, so we try pulling it up with a carabiner.

No good (as we expected).

It’s getting late, and we don’t have any pulleys, so we have to leave the couch outside until the next day.

We buy three pulleys and rig it up on the left side of the building. Here’s pliSkiNAKE on the second floor railing:

We have lift-off! Photo taken from the basement:

A little higher…

Close-up of the pulley system; the couch is as high as we can get it:

Long exposure from the ground:

Time to rig up something new in order to get it all the way up. Ratchet straps hold the couch up while we move the pulleys:

We release the straps while pulling it over the railing:

…and we’ve done it! (We don’t normally sit this close together. :P)

The final struggle is to get it through the doorway. Does this look like it’s too big to fit through? Because it totally is. But we made it fit.

We may have cuts and bruises, and the couch may have tears and scratches, but we triumphed!

I made two sandwiches here, using four slices per sandwich. I shredded some vegan cheese and put it between each of the slices. Okay, I was lazy and just cut small slices of cheese. You caught me. Either way, it works. I put them into the toaster oven on the highest setting and kept them in there until the cheese was melting off the edge.

Waiting while cooking

While your tofurky is cooking, toast your bread (or you don’t have to if you don’t like toasted bread). Then spread Vegenaise on your bread and top with condiments of your choice. I used Daddy Sam’s BBQ sauce (which is DELICIOUS!), and different varieties of mustard. I also had some lettuce from the BLTs I had the other night so I threw some of that on there. Too bad I didn’t have tomatoes as well.

Note: Mixing together lots of delicious condiments does not always make a tasty sandwich (as I figured out).

Finished Product

After it is done cooking, put the tofurky onto the sandwich and enjoy.

drew (at) pliskinake (dot) com